The Garbageman Cometh

I hide from my garbage men.

Each Monday morning I glance back over my shoulder even before I am done waving at the departing school bus. I listen carefully, trying to reassure myself that there is no trace of a second, more sinister diesel engine already approaching from around the curve.

I choose to believe that my brisk gait lends me the appearance of a man eager to begin doing the many important tasks awaiting him at home.

I usually make it to the front walk before I hear the distant release of air brakes - to my ear a poorly bugled signal to attack.

Several long strides bring me to the front door and quickly inside. I slip out of my shoes and take up position on the landing halfway down the stairs to the basement. I look out the ground-level window. Safely in my trench, I steel my nerve, preparing to observe the inevitable hostilities.

My gaze lingers for a moment on my fearless gray infantry. My three heavy-duty 50 gallon Home Depot wheeled and lidded trash bins hold their position even as an enemy leaps at them from his still moving war machine.

The first bin is rolled in a tight arc and violently slammed into the back of the truck. The attacker bends and strains to heave it entirely into the back of the vehicle. Throwing the bin from side to side, the waste management menace backs away from the truck, pulling the hollow remains of my gutted soldier back into the daylight. The bin is given one final thrust and it rolls to the curb and topples, defeated, onto the lawn.

Now joined at the back of the truck by his accomplice, the two men stop and glare at our house. They know I'm here. Somewhere. Watching.

With much grunting and cursing the remaining two bins are heaved, slammed, rammed, scraped, spun, and vaulted.

They pause again and level a purposeful glare at the house. At me.

And then they are gone. But not for good. I know they will be back.

I know...because I pay them.

- ### -

Free advice: If you spend $170.00 to buy three heavy and awkward bins in an effort to deter ravenous raccoons and avoid the monthly fee for the hydraulically-liftable bins offered by your trash service, do not one day wander down your driveway and ask your garbage men if there is anything you can do to make collecting your trash easier. I certainly wont do that. Again.